i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Randomize
