saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize