there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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