I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
