Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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