You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
