We need to start having sex underwater more often.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
