Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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