I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I pour the whiskey from now on
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
