how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
