every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
