The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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