roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
My balls are so social today.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
