Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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