I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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