Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Who died my cat blue again?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
