I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
