Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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