so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
