Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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