my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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