do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
