Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
