a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
