Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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