You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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