why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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