they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
