Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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