It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
