if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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