I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
