Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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