I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just gift wrapped bread.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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