This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
