I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
