Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
