i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
