Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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