Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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