If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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