I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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