Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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