Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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