theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
you traded sex for a burrito?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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