He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
