I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
50% drunk capacity currently
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
