I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
