Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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