Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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