she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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