Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
