watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
