This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize