I wanna bring you to show and tell
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
