My room smells like vodka and shame
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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