perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
