If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Sext me about skeletons
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
