my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
