Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
