I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
